The Start of it all....and eventually where it will lead..My life

Fri, 04 Apr 2008 19:28:45 +0200

This is one of those days where I have sat down and thought....right..I must get all this stuff out of my head and onto some sort of paper effect...

So I am going to begin from the start....

There must be a reason why everyone behaves in a certain way, throughout adulthood and beyond, it may be how we were bought up or things that have happened throughout the years etc..
Well i am going to write about things that i have done in recent years, how i have turned out now, and how my childhood may have been relevant all of it....or whether we are truly unique and choose and make our own paths and existence.

SOMEWHERE NEAR THE BEGINNING......

I have been experiencing a blip in mylife, call it a "who the hell am i" phase....each day i seem to lose a bit more of the nice me, and a lesser sub species of myself develops. WHY? ....Well about 8 years ago i told my (fiancee) of whom i really do not like that i didnt love him, i wanted to leave...SO WHY AM I STILL HERE..
we have 2 kids and a seemingly happy little life, no money worries, nice perfect lego lookalike house so whats my problem,,,?
I never married him, that was my fault, we got pregnant at 19, it was planned in a if we do we do way...so all good happy dappy blah blah....along comes the second 2 years later, its still all good..
Sex on wednesdays, after watching stargate and having a chinese on a blanket in the living room, a sorta picnic ritual, of couse there are other times too. all healthy in the department.

I am in love, I am in trust, I am a good, sweet nice person........
Yeah you find the odd porno mags hidden away, and you get the oops i thought that was the right hole..(to my utter shock and pain) but hey ho, move with the times and all that....

What does start to etch away at your inner self is when your partner starts thinking about u sleeping with other men.......(an innocent fantasy) it doesnt need going on about though all the time, and is the main erection trigger FFS..

So a year went on, i thought right.. SWINGING HERE WE COME - it might shut him up...

He hated it, although he was right there first with the other lady!! He never trusted me, i has lost respect for him and myself and i no longer loved him, after going on and on grinding me down as a person. I had just give in and done it.

We was arguing, I wanted to leave, i told him i never loved him...
He said i wasnt having his kids, and tried to kill himself - this ment him giving a suicide note to my 8 year old, then calling me to find out what i thought (as he was supposedly trying to exhaust fume himself to death) I just called his mum, he came home with a littl 30cm pipe in his hand and a little bit of black exhaust round his mouth....

MY DOWNHILL PATTERN STARTED HERE

He had won, i was stuck from that moment on...I AM NOT A FIGHTER..I sacrificed my happiness in the future so him and my kids could be happy...

I had no self esteem, i was on prozac,

I STARTED CHATTING ONLINE IN A CHATROOM....(That is where I first started talking to a wonderful, friendly man, i hadnt seen his picture but it was like we was ment to be,, ment for each other, we just clicked.....
we never exchanged pics, - I felt like i loved him before i met him

(i believe in things happening for a reason, fate, destiny and all such like)

So we agreed to meet up.......................

WITHOUT KNOWING I HAD BECOME A SERIAL RISK TAKER WITH INTERNET STRANGERS, FAST RECKLESS DRIVER, SEX MAD AND NO RESPECT FOR MYSELF......
(HAD ALL THIS MENTALLY STEMMED FROM JUST STAYING IN A BAD LOVELESS REALTIONSHIP) OR DOES THE CHILDHOOD HELP IT ALONG TOO???

( NEXT BLOG WILL FOLLOW ON THE STORY AS IT UNFOLDED BIT BY BIT

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quest for true happiness

The Start of it all....and eventually where it will lead..My life